A former teacher is spearheading a plan to set up a brand new investment bank in Hackney using apes instead of people as a traders. It is the first time that an attempt to use Simians to gamble with other people’s money has been made, and experts are split as to whether it will be a success or not.
Adam Wanner-Sense decided to launch the bank after reading a statistic that investment bankers could get filthy rich with as little as 11 seconds work a day. Adam explains ’35K for the average teacher is shit money anyway, I want people at my new bank to all be in the top 1% of earners, and my plan to use apes to make the trades is fool-proof’.
The plan has already attracted opposition from investment banks in the nearby City of London who are adamant that the bank will take much needed money away from them. At a meeting, one banker Chetwyn Montague-Pretzel (the 3rd) said: ‘The evidence from other countries where teachers have set up investment banks is disastrous,, they know nothing about what we do, there is no way a teacher can understand the complexities of banking. And even if they did and made a shed load of cash like we do, how can we be sure they would spend it on the right kind of things, like Simply Red CDs, cocaine and Porsches?’
When asked about his lack of experience in running an investment bank, Mr Wanner-Sense said: ‘my complete and total lack of experience in investment banking (indeed any kind of banking) should not be a cap on my aspiration to run a trillion pound hedge fund right here in Hackney. For too long, low expectations and a culture of failure has been accepted here, but we are going to change that . We sat round a table and did some quadratic equations and we are sure our business model is 100% sound. Basically we take the money from people’s pensions funds and savings, we then skim off a huge chunk for ourselves and give the rest to the monkeys and they tap away on computer terminals, “”investing”” it. If it all goes to plan we’ll be loaded’. When asked to comment on what would happen if all of that money was lost as a result of poor lending decisions, greed and weaker regulatory oversight than that which applies to a mother’s union coffee-morning, Mr Wanner-Sense said: ‘that’s a good fucking question but we thought of that too. If we lose all of the money, we get on a plane to somewhere exotic and the UK taxpayer will step in with billions of extra money to save the bank because by then we’ll be too big to fail; it’s what the apes call a ‘win-win’ situation.
Hackney Free Bank opens on 1st November.
Image of man with monkey courtesy of ross-hawkes, licenced via Creative Commons, available here http://www.flickr.com/photos/rosshawkes/5529772412/sizes/l/in/photostream/